i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
