I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
