I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
