How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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