I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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