so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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