Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
