...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
