he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
