I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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