he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
