Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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