The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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