Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
