that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The feeling are messing with the penis
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
