he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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