so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
