Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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