Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
