You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
