Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
