I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
