im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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