It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
