Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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