I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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