I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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