All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
