the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
