mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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