I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I am one with the molecules
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
