I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
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