What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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