I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
