He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
