You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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