Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize