Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
