It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I love you. Go after that dick
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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