my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
