found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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