If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
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