I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
