When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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