1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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