you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
