apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
