Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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