I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
