I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
