listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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