My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
