I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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