The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
