last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
