I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
did you just send me my own nude
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
