New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
