I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
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Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
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My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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