i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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