too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I smell like Dick and happiness
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
