I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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