By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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